Baxter Blacks Very Intense Battle Diary Episode 1 Chapter 1 Phase 1 Part 2 Incident 1 Baxter Black Heeds The Call Of Duty

I stared at The Damien for a while pondering my next move. Thoughts raced through my head: “How did he find me? How did he survive after our last battle? Was he hiding behind the door or in the closet? Why on earth was he here on earth? And finally, just what the heckfire is he up to?”
The Damien stood in the vestibule staring at me with those menacing red eyes of his. For a moment I felt as if I had been paralyzed by his heinous gaze, but as that moment passed I soon realized that my next moment was filled with an equal amount of paralysis. The Damien had used his infamous “Anti-Moving
Glare™” to completely incapacitate me.
It looked bleak, and felt bleaker, but it smelled somewhat less bleak, for that trusty Bag O’ Salt that I had so conveniently brought with me was filled with a little known brand of salt called “Grandma Bucks Little Known Brand Of Salt”. As everyone knows that specific brand of salt is fortified with a strain of sodium chloride that combats the “Anti-Moving Glare™” (“Anti-Anti-Moving Glare™” for you technical types). I inhaled deeply letting salty goodness seep into my inner being thus freeing me from the hideous eyes that consumed me.
Upon de-paralysis I attacked, simultaneously grabbing the nearest weapon (an umbrella) and lunging forward. The Damien did nothing. In the nano-seconds that passed as I flew through the air, umbrella in hand, preparing for the unspeakable havoc that would be wrought upon this naïve plane of existence, I couldn’t help but wonder what The Damien’s beef with me was (maybe it was that time I pushed a boulder onto him…maybe). With the might of the mighty, mighty winds that be I hit that Damn Damien.
If it had been a sword in hand I would have carved a great chasm, that’s how much might was involved. Interestingly enough I had not brought my sword with me, and the umbrella did little more than break upon contact with this malicious miscreant. I felt The Damien’s anger flow through me as he expertly applied escrima (a Filipino martial art) to my body. Intense pain is the next thing I remember, so I ask that we all take a moment of silence to commemorate how much hurtness (painfulisity is the medical term) I experienced.
In an instant The Damien had made it to the top of the stairs, he stood there, pitiful Billy at his side, his evil black cape fluttering in the absence of wind, and his hands filled with his poisonous “Blood Slugs™”. With remarkable speed and accuracy The Damien flung the blood slugs at me, I tried to use Gun Kata (as seen in the mediocre film Equilibrium) to dodge the slugs, but alas you can’t gain any useful training just by watching a movie. Tthat and Gun Kata doesn’t really work.
I was hit by four of them: one on each arm, one on my shin, and one on my foot (I have the scars to prove it). I knew that this was bad news, and soon the slugs would exchange enough of my pure sweet good-hearted clean blood for their polluted sour misanthropic dirty poison.With four slugs on me I had less than a minute before doom took me over. The Damien confident that victory was his began his slow descent down the stairs, his red eyes swirling, his coarse hair bristling, and the whole time laughing. It looked as if this might be the end of BAXTER BLACK!!!

Baxter Blacks Very Intense Battle Diary Excerpt from- Episode 22: Third Times A Charm

I dove head on into battle not knowing what to expect, the only thing I knew for sure was that this would be our final encounter (until our much anticipated next encounter which would ultimately be our last).

The Damien charged at me with the intensity of a full grown musk ox. He leapt into the air and let fly his now famous battle cry “GRRRRRAAAA-AAARRRRRG!!”Right away I knew that this would be no ordinary battle, this would be a battle paralleled only by some of those computer generated battles that look so neato on the big screen.
We tore towards each other, flames rising from our souls, sweat pouring from our bodies, boulders bursting in our wake. The very earth we both strove to control lay in the fate of a moment that was yet to come. As we roared closer and closer I continuously revised my upcoming battle strategy. In order to beat my most deadly of foes I would have to discover all of his weaknesses, while revealing none of mine.
Suddenly the moment of tribulation was upon us, I didn’t think, I just acted.
It seemed like an eternity before the whirlwind of dust and debris had finally settled, the victor had been decided yet we dared not lose each others gaze.
After a length of time that could only be measured by a unit yet to be invented I looked down upon the results…
I had chosen rock whereas The Damien had chosen scissors. With the humiliation of defeat surrounding him he instantly transformed into a small furry burrowing creature and disappeared into the underbrush. I thrust my fist into the air and howled my now somewhat famous battle cry

“I don’t just rock, I RAGE!!”

Baxter Black's Very Intense Battle Diary Episode 1 Chapter 1 Phase 1 Part 1 Incident 1

I was in my cottage putting the finishing touches on my now world famous rabbit stew when I got the call (actually it was a letter, but that's beside the point). Apparently there had been some strange doings over at the Chaplain residence, and I was needed at once. At any other time during my stew making process I'd have burned the letter at the stake, but since this was simmering time I decided that I could take a much needed break and get in some greatly needed exercise, that and the fact that the letter said: "there has been some strange doings over here. Sincerely, The Chaplain Residence. P.S Please bring some salt for the wife."I immediately noticed two very odd things about the letter. One, the Chaplains had an entire root cellar filled with sweet, sweet, salt, and two, the last time I talked to the Chaplains old man Chaplain had said "Dagnabbit git the sam hill off my land! I don't ever want to see you up here again no matter how many strange doings you think are going on!!"
This all seemed moderately off-kilter to me. So I put my stew on simmer, grabbed me a big ol bag O' salt, hopped into my golf cart and headed on over. The drive to the Chaplains was uneventful by anyone’s standards, and will not be explained in this chapter. I parked behind my neighbors many various luxury golf carts (They recently acquired the newly released PlaidMaster 3.4 Which does 0 to 32 in 7 seconds) and headed for the door. It took me 17 triple knocks and three loud HELLOOOOOOOs before I decided to venture in uninvited.
Upon entering I noticed a few very out of place things, first and foremost, the welcome mat had been replaced by a still beating heart (unnerving but not unheard of in these parts), all the light bulbs had been filled with a thick red syrup, and the entire Chaplain family had been brutally murdered, and was now laying in a mangled heap in front of the washing machine. I slowly moseyed (slower than your average mosey) into the house mentally preparing myself for whatever horrors might leap forth from the shadows. It was then that I saw something completely expected. It was my old partner in mayhem Billy Teir! He was crouched at the top of the stairs munching on a rather fatty portion of what appeared to be Mr. Chaplin. I stepped back cautiously as a thought jumped into my mind, if Billy was here than that meant that HE was almost certainly here as well.
I scanned the room looking for any signs of him, he must've heard the racket I made at the front door (Billy didn't hear anything since our last encounter, where my weedwacker aim was a bit off). Suddenly the door slammed shut behind me, I turned, and there before me stood my arch nemesis. The thing that I'd been hunting for 10 long years. The beast that corrupted poor Billys feeble man-childs mind, and turned him into a walking undead. The villainous snake that knows nothing but pain and suffering. The hideous monster that could ignite all your hair with a snap of his fingers. The murderous imp that could zombify fish just by staring at them. The ferocious cretin that would destroy Ma & Pa shacks just for kicks. The insidious devil that could short out a city block with a wink of his eye. The atrocious deity that could inflict tailbone cysts by saying the magic word. The sinister specter that gets older and younger at the same time. The zombie scourge of the 7 seas. The one, the only, The Damien Of Death! BUM! BUM! BAH! DUM! SMASH!

Baxter Black's thoughts on the battleship "Yamato"

The Japanese ship "Yamato" was the largest battleship to ever sail the sea. She was a destroyer and flagship of the Japanese fleet during World War II. The Japanese believed that the strength of a fleet was in the destroyer, but an unforeseen shift towards aviation based carriers would ultimately be Japan’s undoing. The Yamato only fired it's gigantic guns once in a small skirmish. Sadly it was sunk in the desperate "Ten Go" mission where the last ten surviving battleships of the Japanese fleet went on a kamikaze mission to sink what American ships they could. They would never make it to the opposing fleet. Their air cover had gone up ahead to use themselves as bombs and therefore there was nothing protect the last great battleships from the swarms of American bombers. After receiving 10 torpedo hits, and 10 dive bombs hits, the great Yamato rolled over and exploded into a huge mushroom cloud. A sign of things to come.