Wednesday, September 6, 2006

Baxter Blacks Very Intense Battle Diary Episode 1 Chapter 1 Phase 1 Part 2 Incident 1 Baxter Black Heeds The Call Of Duty

I stared at The Damien for a while pondering my next move. Thoughts raced through my head: “How did he find me? How did he survive after our last battle? Was he hiding behind the door or in the closet? Why on earth was he here on earth? And finally, just what the heckfire is he up to?”
The Damien stood in the vestibule staring at me with those menacing red eyes of his. For a moment I felt as if I had been paralyzed by his heinous gaze, but as that moment passed I soon realized that my next moment was filled with an equal amount of paralysis. The Damien had used his infamous “Anti-Moving
Glare™” to completely incapacitate me.
It looked bleak, and felt bleaker, but it smelled somewhat less bleak, for that trusty Bag O’ Salt that I had so conveniently brought with me was filled with a little known brand of salt called “Grandma Bucks Little Known Brand Of Salt”. As everyone knows that specific brand of salt is fortified with a strain of sodium chloride that combats the “Anti-Moving Glare™” (“Anti-Anti-Moving Glare™” for you technical types). I inhaled deeply letting salty goodness seep into my inner being thus freeing me from the hideous eyes that consumed me.
Upon de-paralysis I attacked, simultaneously grabbing the nearest weapon (an umbrella) and lunging forward. The Damien did nothing. In the nano-seconds that passed as I flew through the air, umbrella in hand, preparing for the unspeakable havoc that would be wrought upon this naïve plane of existence, I couldn’t help but wonder what The Damien’s beef with me was (maybe it was that time I pushed a boulder onto him…maybe). With the might of the mighty, mighty winds that be I hit that Damn Damien.
If it had been a sword in hand I would have carved a great chasm, that’s how much might was involved. Interestingly enough I had not brought my sword with me, and the umbrella did little more than break upon contact with this malicious miscreant. I felt The Damien’s anger flow through me as he expertly applied escrima (a Filipino martial art) to my body. Intense pain is the next thing I remember, so I ask that we all take a moment of silence to commemorate how much hurtness (painfulisity is the medical term) I experienced.
In an instant The Damien had made it to the top of the stairs, he stood there, pitiful Billy at his side, his evil black cape fluttering in the absence of wind, and his hands filled with his poisonous “Blood Slugs™”. With remarkable speed and accuracy The Damien flung the blood slugs at me, I tried to use Gun Kata (as seen in the mediocre film Equilibrium) to dodge the slugs, but alas you can’t gain any useful training just by watching a movie. Tthat and Gun Kata doesn’t really work.
I was hit by four of them: one on each arm, one on my shin, and one on my foot (I have the scars to prove it). I knew that this was bad news, and soon the slugs would exchange enough of my pure sweet good-hearted clean blood for their polluted sour misanthropic dirty poison.With four slugs on me I had less than a minute before doom took me over. The Damien confident that victory was his began his slow descent down the stairs, his red eyes swirling, his coarse hair bristling, and the whole time laughing. It looked as if this might be the end of BAXTER BLACK!!!

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