Baxter Black says: “Hey, I’m more famous than this here bag of rocks…way more famous.” An Interview With A Hero By Vivian Bell

Interviewer: So Baxter

Baxter: Black

I: So Mr. Black

B: Baxter Black

I: So Mr. Baxter Black

B: My name is Baxter Black, just Baxter Black; I don’t shorten or elongate it for anyone alright?

I: Okay, sorry- So Baxter Black how did you get to be where you are today?

B: Um…you called my office, and they told me to meet you here. I came by bus because it saves gas.

I: I mean how did you get to be a world famous zombie hunter?

B: I had to sell off a piece of my soul.

I: Hopefully not too much (Laughs)

B: Not that much at all actually, and they gave me this neato wristwatch for one of my toes, (holds up the watch, and bandaged foot) see the hour hand is a little zombie and the minute hand looks like a chainsaw chasing after it. Pretty neato huh?

I: Indeed. Baxter why don-

B: Black

I: Pardon

B: Full name, Baxter Black.

I: Right, Baxter Black, why don’t you tell us a little about yourself?

B: What do you want to know?

I: Something dangerous.

B: My middle name is Shirley, like the temple.

I: What!?

B: You know, like from Curly Top (stand up begins to dance and sing…poorly) Animal crackers in my soup monkeys and rabbits loop the loop, gosh, oh gee, but I have fun swallowin’ animals one by one!

I: Can we get back to this please?

B: Yeah sure, but don’t you go tellin’ anyone about my middle name thing.

I: You understand that this is all being recorded for my article right?

B:…What article? I thought this was a…I thought you wanted to go…Oh my god!

At this moment Baxter Black leapt out of his chair and, tried to wrestle the tape recorder out of the interviewers hands. After about 30 seconds Baxter Black collapsed to the floor in what appeared to be a fit of exhaustion. A few minutes later he composed himself, threw a pen at the bartender, jumped over a table, and ran out the door.

Baxter Black was not seen again for three months.