Baxter Black's Very Intense Battle Diary Episode 1 Chapter 1 Phase 1 Part 1 Incident 1

I was in my cottage putting the finishing touches on my now world famous rabbit stew when I got the call (actually it was a letter, but that's beside the point). Apparently there had been some strange doings over at the Chaplain residence, and I was needed at once. At any other time during my stew making process I'd have burned the letter at the stake, but since this was simmering time I decided that I could take a much needed break and get in some greatly needed exercise, that and the fact that the letter said: "there has been some strange doings over here. Sincerely, The Chaplain Residence. P.S Please bring some salt for the wife."I immediately noticed two very odd things about the letter. One, the Chaplains had an entire root cellar filled with sweet, sweet, salt, and two, the last time I talked to the Chaplains old man Chaplain had said "Dagnabbit git the sam hill off my land! I don't ever want to see you up here again no matter how many strange doings you think are going on!!"
This all seemed moderately off-kilter to me. So I put my stew on simmer, grabbed me a big ol bag O' salt, hopped into my golf cart and headed on over. The drive to the Chaplains was uneventful by anyone’s standards, and will not be explained in this chapter. I parked behind my neighbors many various luxury golf carts (They recently acquired the newly released PlaidMaster 3.4 Which does 0 to 32 in 7 seconds) and headed for the door. It took me 17 triple knocks and three loud HELLOOOOOOOs before I decided to venture in uninvited.
Upon entering I noticed a few very out of place things, first and foremost, the welcome mat had been replaced by a still beating heart (unnerving but not unheard of in these parts), all the light bulbs had been filled with a thick red syrup, and the entire Chaplain family had been brutally murdered, and was now laying in a mangled heap in front of the washing machine. I slowly moseyed (slower than your average mosey) into the house mentally preparing myself for whatever horrors might leap forth from the shadows. It was then that I saw something completely expected. It was my old partner in mayhem Billy Teir! He was crouched at the top of the stairs munching on a rather fatty portion of what appeared to be Mr. Chaplin. I stepped back cautiously as a thought jumped into my mind, if Billy was here than that meant that HE was almost certainly here as well.
I scanned the room looking for any signs of him, he must've heard the racket I made at the front door (Billy didn't hear anything since our last encounter, where my weedwacker aim was a bit off). Suddenly the door slammed shut behind me, I turned, and there before me stood my arch nemesis. The thing that I'd been hunting for 10 long years. The beast that corrupted poor Billys feeble man-childs mind, and turned him into a walking undead. The villainous snake that knows nothing but pain and suffering. The hideous monster that could ignite all your hair with a snap of his fingers. The murderous imp that could zombify fish just by staring at them. The ferocious cretin that would destroy Ma & Pa shacks just for kicks. The insidious devil that could short out a city block with a wink of his eye. The atrocious deity that could inflict tailbone cysts by saying the magic word. The sinister specter that gets older and younger at the same time. The zombie scourge of the 7 seas. The one, the only, The Damien Of Death! BUM! BUM! BAH! DUM! SMASH!